Ch.5: Going Back In Order To Go Forward
"True spirituality frees us to live joyfully in the present. It requires...going back in order to go forward...to the very heart of spirituality and discipleship in the family of God--breaking free from the destructive sinful patterns of our pasts to live the life of love God intends."
One critical ingredient relates to our need to go back in order to go forward...summed up in two essential biblical truths:
1. The blessings and sins of our families going back two to three generations profoundly impact who we are today.
2. Discipleship requires putting off the sinful patterns of our family of origin and relearning how to do life God's way in God's family.
The power of the family:
Our family's way of "doing" life follows us wherever we go. We see generational patterns like divorce, alcoholism, addictive behaviour, sexual abuse, poor marriages, child running off, mistrust of authority, pregnancy out of wedlock...how come? The old 'nurture' vs. 'nature' debate rages on. The Bible doesn't answer this question. It only states that this is a "mysterious law of God's universe."
The history of our ancestors live inside all of us. We cannot erase it. Only the truth sets us free.
Genesis show us how this works out.
Look at Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
There is a pattern of lying in each generation:
- Abraham lied twice about Sarah.
- Isaac and Rebecca's marriage characterized by lies.
- Jacob lied to almost everyone; his name means 'deceiver.'
- 10 of Jacob's children lied about Joseph's death...keeping a 'family secret' for over 10 years.
A pattern of favoritism by at least one parent...
- Abraham favored Ishmael.
- Isaac favored Esau.
- Jacob favored Joseph and later Benjamin.
A pattern of brothers experiencing a cutoff from one another...
- Isaac and Ishmael were cut off from one another.
- Jacob fled from his brother Esau and cut off for many years.
- Joseph was cut off from his 10 brothers for over 10 years.
A pattern of poor intimacy in the marriages:
- Abraham had a child out of wedlock with Hagar.
- Isaac had a terrible relationship with Rebecca.
- Jacob had 2 wives and 2 concubines.
Yes, the behavioral patterns of our ancestors have been mysteriously 'hardwired' into our brains and DNA, so much so, that apart from the intervention of God Himself and biblical discipleship we simply bring these expectations into our closest relationships as adults:
Scazzero outlines a "Ten Commandments tablet" in vital areas of our life, messages we receive unconsciously, the unspoken rules...:
1. Money:
- - is the best source of security.
- - the more you have, the more important you are.
- - make lots of it to prove you 'made' it.
- - avoid at all costs.
- - don't get people mad at you.
- - loud, angry, constant fighting is normal.
- - not to be spoken about openly.
- - men can be promiscuous, women must be chaste.
- - sexuality in marriage will come easily.
- - sadness is a sign of weakness.
- - you are not allowed to be depressed.
- - get over losses quickly and move on.
- - anger is dangerous and bad.
- - explode in anger to make a point.
- - sarcasm is an acceptable way to release anger.
- - you owe your parents for all they've done for you.
- - don't speak of your family's 'dirty laundry' in public.
- - duty to family and culture comes before everything.
- - don't trust people. They will let you down.
- - nobody will ever hurt me again.
- - don't show vulnerability.
- - only be close friends with people who are like you.
- - do not marry a person of another race or culture.
- - certain cultures/races are not as good as mine.
- - is getting into the 'best schools'.
- - is making lots of money.
- - is getting married and having children.
- - you are not allowed to have certain feelings.
- - your feelings are not important.
- - reacting with feelings without thinking is okay.
God's desire for us to leave our families is similar to the desire He had for the Israelites to leave Egypt. Although the Israelites did physically leave the land of Egypt, a great deal of Egyptian culture and thinking remained in them...
The great problem is when our family's invisible scripts are contrary to Christ's.
The Great News of Jesus Christ
When we place our faith in Christ, we are spiritually reborn by the Holy Spirit into the family of Jesus.
Discipleship, then, is the putting off of the sinful patterns and habits of our biological families and being transformed to live as members of Christ's family. God is our Father. Our debts (sins) are cancelled. We are given a new name, a new inheritance (freedom, hope, glory, the resources of heaven), and new brothers and sisters.
In God's family, success is defined as being faithful to His purpose and plan for your life. We are called to seek first His kingdom and righteousness and all else will be added.
God declares us as lovable.
We are good enough in Christ.
The present is a window into the past:
"All families are broken and fallen...None of us comes from perfect families with perfect parents. Most parents did the best they could with what they brought with them into adulthood. And it is likely that some of the things that did hurt us, such as criticism and rejection, were a result of what was handed to them by their families of origin rather than a reflection on us or their love for us."
Our fear of bringing secrets and sin into the light, however, drives many people to prefer the illusion that if they don't think about it, it somehow goes away. It doesn't. Unhealed wounds open us up to habitual sin against God and others.
The great news is that God had a plan in placing us in our particular families and cultures. The more we know about our families, the more we know about ourselves--and the more freedom we have to make decisions how we want to live. We can say: "This is what I want to keep. This is what I do not want to bring with me to the next generation."
Joseph is a great model of how to go back to go forward. He came from a family marked by secrets, lying, half-truths, and jealousy. He starts off by appearing immature, arrogant and unaware. He experiences betrayal, false accusation, abandonment and imprisonment, Yet he remained faithful to God. How? What lessons can we learn from his life?
- Joseph had a profound sense of the bigness of God, affirming the loving Hand of God through all his pain and hardships, "It was not you who sent me here, but God."
- Joseph admitted honestly the sadness and losses of his family. Most of us are resistant to going back and feeling the hurt and pain of our past, yet Joseph wept repeatedly when he reunited with his family--loudly. He did not minimize the painful years. He truly forgave and was able to bless his brothers.
- Joseph rewrote his life script according to Scripture. His experiences gave him the messages: "I don't have a right to exist. My life is a mistake. I am worthless. I should never trust anyone. I shouldn't take risks. I shouldn't feel. It is too painful. I am a loser." But he rewrite the events with God. It has been said that the real measure of our sense of self is when we are with our parents for more than 3 days. At that point we need to ask ourselves how old we feel. Have we gone back to our patterns of behaving more in line with our childhood, or have we broken free from our past to live in what God has for us now?
- Joseph partnered with God to be a blessing. He could have destroyed his brothers with anger. He made a choice to bless. Over all the years, Joseph was building a new history structured around following after God.
Prayer:
Lord, I believe You are a God with great purposes. You placed me into my particular family in a particular place in a particular time in history. I don't see what You see, but I ask You to show me, Lord, the revelation and purposes You have for me in your decision. Lord, I do not want to betray or be ungrateful for what was given to me. Yet at the same time, help me discern what I need to let go of from my past and what my essential discipleship issues are in the present that must be addressed. Grant me courage; grant me wisdom to learn from the past but not be crippled by it. And may I, like Joseph, be a blessing to my earthly family, spiritual family, and the world at large.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
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