Final reflections...2007

Well, the countdown is at hand, two more hours till the brand new year, 2008. Yet, will it truly be a new year for us?

I remember starting this blog with the vision of stepping out of the pigpen that I had been living in for years, because I had listened to the 'voices' that told me that was my station in life. Well, I did rebel finally and decided that God's voice was the ONLY voice that would give me freedom. That decision did come with a price. Because I stepped out of the pigpen with its stench still on me, the stench of despair, shame, and guilt. That stench still allowed the 'old voices' to batter me. Yet, as my friend, Natalie, wrote me recently, I am "hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perpelexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed (1Cor. 4:8, NIV version, The Holy Bible).

Yes, it has been an excruciatingly painful year in many ways. The pain of being stripped of masks, unbelief, disappointing people that I love dearly, yet who do not understand the journey that God has called me to. I remember vividly that God brought the memories of how "it used to be" for me. A life of freedom to love, give, learn, laugh, and just be what God made. I knew that little by little, in the ensuing years, I had become disconnected to my true spirit, and that God wanted me to again "be me". Amos 9:11 says, "In that day I will restore David's fallen tent. I will repair its broken places, restore its ruins, and build it as it used to be..."
I know that many can identify with me to having broken places, ruins, a fallen tent, and I also know that you have thought like me, "Does God really want to free me?" Then I read in Isaiah 30:18, "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him."

This year, that is what I have been doing..well..interspersed with moments of panic and retaking control when I could not see God's intervention...and I wish that I could tell you that I am walking in awesome victory right now, full of joy and buoyancy, fully involved in God's marvellous plan for me. Well, I am not there yet.

I have been in the pigpen for so long that my limbs hurt, my lungs are contaminated, the stench has not yet been washed off. But there are some clean streaks beginning to show. This year, God led me to the Beth Moore study, A Woman's heart, God's Dwelling Place and used this to draw me to His Word which clearly showed me that when His children follow His instructions, His glory falls on them. I have asked Him to reveal His clear instructions for me, because, I want God's glory to fall on me, to fill me, to overflow from me and spill on to my children, to spill on to my community, to spill into my writing. So, I take my directive right now from my scheduled "Bible-in-a-year" readings:
Psalm 119:25 -"I am laid low in the dust; renew my life according to your Word."
Psalm 119:28 -"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your Word."
Psalm 119:37 -"Turn my eyes away from worthless things; renew my life according to Your Word."
and then, this really resonated in my spirit: Psalm 119:45 -"I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out Your precepts."
Further down in verses 97-104, I saw that the psalmist received insight from meditation, and understanding from obedience.
The following verses continue with the theme..can you spot it?
Vs. 105: Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
Vs. 107: I have suffered much; renew my life, O Lord, according to Your Word.
Vs. 116: Sustain me according to Your promise; and I will live: do not let my hopes be dashed.
Vs. 117: Uphold me, and I will be delivered; I will always have regard for your decrees.

From the Psalms that speak clearly that I must seek His instructions in His Word to live fully and freely, my reading tonight went to Isaiah 58 which just is mind-blowing. It addresses "true fasting" where God clearly shows what matters to Him...
-..."to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke..to share your food with the hungry...not to turn away from your own flesh and blood....then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rearguard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and He will say: Here I AM...if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings..."

Father, thank You for Your faithfulness. I confess to many digressions over this year and You have not abandoned me. I confess to unbelief in Your love for me, in Your Word. I confess to unfaithfulness, disobedience and rebellion especially in times when You did not respond in the manner and time I wanted or desperately needed at times. But, this I choose. To humbly bow before Your throne, as I pour out my sinfulness, I receive Your grace and forgiveness so freely given. I choose to pursue You and ask that You resonate Your specific Word to me as I seek and study Your Word. Here I am. Take me, use me, fill me. You are my desire. In Jesus' wonderful and precious Name, Amen.