Deuteronomy 8:2-3
I smile through my pain as I ponder my 'voice' for Faith Barista's JamWithMeThursdays writing prompt.
Amplified Bible (AMP)
2 And you shall [earnestly] remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.
3 And He humbled you and allowed you to hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you recognize and personally know that man does not live by bread only, but man lives by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.)
Yesterday circumstances again triggered what I can only call a tsunami of pain.
And like so many people cry, "I just want it to stop".
I remember an old post from 2008 when this kind of pain overwhelmed me: (reposting)
“Cause Me To Come To Thy River…”
I could not fathom it. The anchor I had tied my life on had been rudely dislodged and I was adrift in a sea of pain that consumed me.
My fiancé had just broken off our engagement 2 months away from the scheduled wedding. This in itself was not the primary issue.
It was because I was a new immigrant and my fiancé had made this new terrifying country somewhat manageable, somewhat like how it used to be at home. He was also the recipient of my gift of compassion which I poured liberally as he had lost both kidneys and had ongoing health issues.
Then he said, “You are nothing to me, you never were…I just needed companionship”. He did not need it anymore. So here I was, lost, and discounted, devalued to nothing.
Then in my fog of pain, I looked to God, “For You to allow this to happen, there must be a reason…Teach me, my Lord.” Then suddenly I remembered having sung this song:
I could not fathom it. The anchor I had tied my life on had been rudely dislodged and I was adrift in a sea of pain that consumed me.
My fiancé had just broken off our engagement 2 months away from the scheduled wedding. This in itself was not the primary issue.
It was because I was a new immigrant and my fiancé had made this new terrifying country somewhat manageable, somewhat like how it used to be at home. He was also the recipient of my gift of compassion which I poured liberally as he had lost both kidneys and had ongoing health issues.
Then he said, “You are nothing to me, you never were…I just needed companionship”. He did not need it anymore. So here I was, lost, and discounted, devalued to nothing.
Then in my fog of pain, I looked to God, “For You to allow this to happen, there must be a reason…Teach me, my Lord.” Then suddenly I remembered having sung this song:
Cause me to come to Thy river, O Lord Cause me to come to Thy river, O Lord Cause me to come to Thy river, O Lord Cause me to come Cause me to drink Cause me to live Cause me to drink from Thy river, O Lord Cause me to drink from Thy river, O Lord Cause me to drink from Thy river, O Lord Cause me to come Cause me to drink Cause me to live Cause me to live by Thy river, O Lord Cause me to live by Thy river, O Lord Cause me to live by Thy river, O Lord Cause me to come Cause me to drink Cause me to live (© 1974 Maranatha! Music)
This song had become reality this day. I had been singing it without realizing what it meant.
So, “Cause me..”, He did.
And I was never more needy to drink and live. In the next couple of months, He continued to show me that my words were important and that He is a holy God who would not allow me to use His Name or words flippantly. I had to say what I meant and mean what I say.
He had me look at my newly adopted country and its people through His eyes. I had been viewing myself as a victim of discrimination and using this to justify my coldness towards white Canadians.
He gently pointed out, “Who do you think you are? Do you really think that I have favorites? That you are better to me because you feel victimized?”
Then it struck me, most of the people I saw as ‘racist’ were simply ignorant or afraid of new people, people outside of their comfort zone.
And their sin was no greater than mine.
Here I was professing to be His child, going to Bible college to prepare for ministry, with a heart cold towards a sector of the family of God. There followed a time of repentance and forgiveness and wonderful reconciliation. My heart became so tender as I grew in intimacy with my Lord.
It was a time that sealed forever my faith, because whenever there are times when God feels absent, I KNOW He is present, I KNOW He loves me.
Since then, I pay attention to my words, His Words, words about Him, words to Him, for I know that He is holy, and that I will be held accountable. So take heed, think about what you say or sing. He is listening, and He may just take you at your word.
Now that I look back, it was a time when I would listen to other people share their pain and I would go and pore over Scripture to bring some sense of His hand in it. It felt like 'working out my salvation' (Philippians 2:12 [ Do Everything Without Grumbling ] Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,) and this type of writing flowed from my heart of pain.
But for a while, my mind became so foggy, I couldn't find my 'voice' anywhere and I thought it was gone forever.
But then I read Faith Barista's blog for the first time and hope started to break through.
This new year started with a commitment to be fruitful in the land of my affliction.
Soon after my world started to unravel in the financial realm and I am throwing up pain everywhere.
And I have to fight to use that voice.
Like right now.
And so, I wonder, is this my voice in the land of affliction? Continuing to filter my 'life' through His Word?
Filtering others' lives through His Word?
From all that I have been reading, the raw material for your 'voice' is what has impacted you in such a way as to change you fundamentally.
As I look over my blog, I see those traumas, a heart broken by rejection, betrayal, racism, paternalism in missions, financial hardship, depression and by my own failures.
I also see that I love to do in-depth research to get a comprehensive understanding of what is flowing out of me. Perhaps that is why I like to quote from The Amplified Bible so much.
I'm not quite sure my voice can be defined right now. God is still working it out with me.
But right now, I want it to be the 'voice of truth' that nudges people to God and dispels the lies.
May God bless all who visit here today.
All my love,
Sita
Listen to The Voice of Truth by Casting Crown here:
He gently pointed out, “Who do you think you are? Do you really think that I have favorites? That you are better to me because you feel victimized?”
Then it struck me, most of the people I saw as ‘racist’ were simply ignorant or afraid of new people, people outside of their comfort zone.
And their sin was no greater than mine.
Here I was professing to be His child, going to Bible college to prepare for ministry, with a heart cold towards a sector of the family of God. There followed a time of repentance and forgiveness and wonderful reconciliation. My heart became so tender as I grew in intimacy with my Lord.
It was a time that sealed forever my faith, because whenever there are times when God feels absent, I KNOW He is present, I KNOW He loves me.
Since then, I pay attention to my words, His Words, words about Him, words to Him, for I know that He is holy, and that I will be held accountable. So take heed, think about what you say or sing. He is listening, and He may just take you at your word.
Now that I look back, it was a time when I would listen to other people share their pain and I would go and pore over Scripture to bring some sense of His hand in it. It felt like 'working out my salvation' (Philippians 2:12 [ Do Everything Without Grumbling ] Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,) and this type of writing flowed from my heart of pain.
But for a while, my mind became so foggy, I couldn't find my 'voice' anywhere and I thought it was gone forever.
But then I read Faith Barista's blog for the first time and hope started to break through.
This new year started with a commitment to be fruitful in the land of my affliction.
Soon after my world started to unravel in the financial realm and I am throwing up pain everywhere.
And I have to fight to use that voice.
Like right now.
And so, I wonder, is this my voice in the land of affliction? Continuing to filter my 'life' through His Word?
Filtering others' lives through His Word?
From all that I have been reading, the raw material for your 'voice' is what has impacted you in such a way as to change you fundamentally.
As I look over my blog, I see those traumas, a heart broken by rejection, betrayal, racism, paternalism in missions, financial hardship, depression and by my own failures.
I also see that I love to do in-depth research to get a comprehensive understanding of what is flowing out of me. Perhaps that is why I like to quote from The Amplified Bible so much.
I'm not quite sure my voice can be defined right now. God is still working it out with me.
But right now, I want it to be the 'voice of truth' that nudges people to God and dispels the lies.
May God bless all who visit here today.
All my love,
Sita
Listen to The Voice of Truth by Casting Crown here:
Linking up with Bonnie at Faith Barista's JamWithMeThursdays:
2 comments:
Thank you for sharing, Sita. I'm so sorry for all the pain you experienced, but I'm grateful you found your anchor in God. Joining you on the journey to finding our voice.
Thank you, Trudy. All for His glory, isn't it?
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