Clenched hands are the sign of a fearful heart...
Clenched hands refuse to help another, afraid that they may not have enough for them self...
Clenched hands hold back and view others as a threat, as one to compete with...
Those living with outstretched hands view those around them as a gift not a threat...
Those with outstretched hands live in the aroma of abundant wealth...perhaps with little money but with the prosperity of love and gratitude...
Over the course of the past several years marked by acute financial distress, I have had a couple of encounters with random people who seemingly appeared out of nowhere just when I had a little cash needed. They expressed a need for money. Stories could have been fabricated; could be part of a scam. My reaction was fury. I mean, here I was in need myself and as a mother my primary thoughts were on feeding my family.
How dare you ask me for my little? Look around, there are other people who actually have, why on earth would you target me?
Clenched hands existence.
I always came back from those encounters angry, confused and guilty.
What if they were angels sent to test me?
If they were, I failed. Miserably. An A+ in failure to give.
What amazes me is that what marked my character before this season was open hands. I love to give. It gives me great joy to give.
Open hands with my surplus.
When that 'ability' to give, in terms of having extra, ended, something died inside me. As a mother, I aggressively protected resources to feed my family. There were no extras.
I started to live a clenched hand existence.
It's a horrible place to live. Fiercely protective of resources.
But, I don't want to live there anymore.
It is a prison of sorts.
I still don't have extra, but if someone does approach me again when I have money to buy groceries for my family, I am hoping my default response would be to give in faith.
Faith that this person is in actual need.
Faith that God will replace that which is given in sacrifice.
Sacrificial giving existence: bare open hands.
Freedom to give.
My desire is to live there for in there I find God and He fully satisfies any dearth in my life.
Over the past few weeks, I've had urgent concerns which some people knew about. Immediately I sensed the 'clenching' in cyberspace and I realized very few people know about giving when it hurts. They will most likely give if they have extra and if they deem you worthy.
Conditional giving. It's not the same.
But I would never have learnt that lesson if God had not placed me where I am right now.
All that He allows in my life is to chisel me into His image.
Yes, it is downright painful.
At first.
Then you suddenly find the bars to your prison in one area of your life have been lifted.
Free to be what He meant you to be.
What I am learning about myself is that I am such a wretched sinner. I thought that growing in my faith as I grew in years would make me more saintly. Instead, I found that when trials poured in that I felt were 'too much', well, I became a person I did not like. In fact I have lost a couple of friends who loved the happy and giving person that I was and they always express to me that they miss that person.
That person is gone. Forever.
I remember years ago when God brought this verse to me:
Deuteronomy 8:2-3 (AMP)
At that time, in pain I resolved to obey.
Fast forward many years, I forgot that lesson in my haze of depression as I stuffed my pain in and sought to live a coping-life existence and forgot all about the hope of a resurrection power life. That was for other people who deserved it. Funny how Satan will pummel you with lies that fit the circumstances that surround you.
Today I will choose to listen to His truth.
Today I choose to obey. Even when I think I can't.
My Bible reading today:
How dare you ask me for my little? Look around, there are other people who actually have, why on earth would you target me?
Clenched hands existence.
I always came back from those encounters angry, confused and guilty.
What if they were angels sent to test me?
If they were, I failed. Miserably. An A+ in failure to give.
What amazes me is that what marked my character before this season was open hands. I love to give. It gives me great joy to give.
Open hands with my surplus.
When that 'ability' to give, in terms of having extra, ended, something died inside me. As a mother, I aggressively protected resources to feed my family. There were no extras.
I started to live a clenched hand existence.
It's a horrible place to live. Fiercely protective of resources.
But, I don't want to live there anymore.
It is a prison of sorts.
I still don't have extra, but if someone does approach me again when I have money to buy groceries for my family, I am hoping my default response would be to give in faith.
Faith that this person is in actual need.
Faith that God will replace that which is given in sacrifice.
Sacrificial giving existence: bare open hands.
Freedom to give.
My desire is to live there for in there I find God and He fully satisfies any dearth in my life.
Over the past few weeks, I've had urgent concerns which some people knew about. Immediately I sensed the 'clenching' in cyberspace and I realized very few people know about giving when it hurts. They will most likely give if they have extra and if they deem you worthy.
Conditional giving. It's not the same.
But I would never have learnt that lesson if God had not placed me where I am right now.
All that He allows in my life is to chisel me into His image.
Yes, it is downright painful.
At first.
Then you suddenly find the bars to your prison in one area of your life have been lifted.
Free to be what He meant you to be.
What I am learning about myself is that I am such a wretched sinner. I thought that growing in my faith as I grew in years would make me more saintly. Instead, I found that when trials poured in that I felt were 'too much', well, I became a person I did not like. In fact I have lost a couple of friends who loved the happy and giving person that I was and they always express to me that they miss that person.
That person is gone. Forever.
I remember years ago when God brought this verse to me:
Deuteronomy 8:2-3 (AMP)
2 And you shall [earnestly] remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.
3 And He humbled you and allowed you to hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you recognize and personally know that man does not live by bread only, but man lives by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.)
At that time, in pain I resolved to obey.
Fast forward many years, I forgot that lesson in my haze of depression as I stuffed my pain in and sought to live a coping-life existence and forgot all about the hope of a resurrection power life. That was for other people who deserved it. Funny how Satan will pummel you with lies that fit the circumstances that surround you.
Today I will choose to listen to His truth.
Today I choose to obey. Even when I think I can't.
My Bible reading today:
Psalm 42
1 As the hart pants and longs for the water brooks, so I pant and long for You, O God.
2 My inner self thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God?
3 My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, Where is your God?
5 Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, my Help and my God.
8 Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life.
11 Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God.
Today the person that I am still loves to give but will choose to give from her dearth. She will not be that happy-go-lucky person she once was for life has changed her. She is praying that His deep joy will well up inside and overflow gently and quietly.
And the song He brought to my lips today:
[Linking up with Faith Barista's JamWithMeThursdays for this week's writing prompt: "What I'm Learning About Myself."]
Love and Blessings to all who pop by.
Sita
4 comments:
Thank you, Sita, for sharing this. I join with you in "praying that His deep joy will well up inside and overflow gently and quietly." I haven't heard this song for a while, but it uplifts me today. :)
Trudy, oh my, you are such a faithful woman. You drop by in all my posts from Faith Barista and take the time to leave a note. Thank you so much.
may our hearts and our hands open fully to Him
and He will lead us
to give when He has give
receive when He says receive
walking ever in His love!
Thank you, Firefly. :)
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