At my age and season, I see so much about women pursuing and living their dreams.
People always tell me what I 'should' do or could do.
It has always disturbed me that I never really had a burning desire for anything, no careers, not even marriage or children as most of my girlfriends.
It had me floundering, "Who am I?"
And just last night as I was watching a Christmas movie I remembered what has always appealed to my inner spirit. The people I most admire and want to be like.
Mary, the mother of Jesus, came to mind. Mary, the sister of Martha came to mind. Mother Teresa came to mind. St. Francis of Assisi came to mind. And of course, Monica, from Touched By An Angel.
These are all people with a special connection to Jesus, with a longing to spend time with Him, gazing on His beauty. God seemed to have given to each of them a special insight into His heart and they 'saw' Him.
Then I remembered as a child the verse that took a hold of my imaginations and heart.
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.(Matt.5:8 (NIV)"
And, yes, God produced in me a deep longing for purity in order to see God.
Thus, where my life has become 'stained' by life and blurred my vision of God, a terrible sadness and disappointment has sunk deeply into my spirit.
As I was telling Mike last night, "I always wondered why God chose Mary to bear His Son".
It revealed a deep longing to be chosen by God for an extra special revelation and communion with Him.
I have tasted of His beauty in a minute way and wanted to have that special communion with Him that Gregory of Nyssa, the great bishop and theologian of the 4th century talked about here. Gregory compares the contemplation of God to a person looking at a spring that bubbles up from the earth:
"As you came near the spring you would marvel, seeing that the water was endless, as it constantly gushed up and poured forth. Yet you could never say that you had seen all the water. How could you see what was still hidden in the bosom of the earth? Hence no matter how long you might stay at the spring, you would always be beginning to see the water...It is the same with one who fixes his gaze on the infinite beauty of God. It is constantly being discovered anew, and it is always seen as something new and strange in comparison with what the mind has already understood. And as God continues to reveal Himself, man continues to wonder; and he never exhausts His desire to see more, since what he is waiting for is always more magnificent, more divine, than all that he has already seen."
And then there was Mary sitting at Jesus' feet gazing upon Him, listening to Him, just being with Him. I wanted to be Mary.
But my desire to just simply 'be' with Jesus annoys people who want me to 'do' something with my life. Yes, I want to 'do' something that brings in income to meet expenses. But, doors close everywhere I go. There were a couple of doors that should have opened logically speaking, yet, they were closed in my face, so to speak. I don't seem to be any 'earthly' good, so I thought it would have been so much better if God had just created me for the heavenly realm like the fictitious Monica to do His bidding here.
But since He didn't, He knew.
So until, God does open that door for me to 'do', I want to 'be' with Him.
As I told Mike that I wanted to be 'chosen' like Mary, he said, "You have been..."
Slowly it dawned.
Yes, that was my deepest longing: to be 'chosen' by Him, to be singled out for a special connection with Him.
Yet, He already did.
(Jeremiah 1:5a (AMP))
Before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as My chosen instrument], and before you were born I separated and set you apart, consecrating you;...
(Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV))
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
But I needed to 'realize' it, deep in my spirit.
May this truth penetrate my heart and your heart this season.
You are chosen to carry His Son in your heart, chosen for a special connection unique to you and God.
Seek it, pursue it, for nothing else will satisfy.
There were a couple of songs that filled my mouth during a time when I experienced a sweet communion with Him playing on my guitar and singing to Him over and over again:
I Love You Lord...
And I Keep Falling in Love With You...