What I'm Learning About Myself: Full Open Hands to Clenched Hands to Bare Open Hands

I recently saw this post on FB on the page Embracing the Journey of Living Loved and it struck a chord deep inside:

Clenched hands are the sign of a fearful heart...

Clenched hands refuse to help another, afraid that they may not have enough for them self...

Clenched hands hold back and view others as a threat, as one to compete with...

Those living with hands outstretched seek out opportunities to extend a helping hand and offer resources in creative ways...

Those living with outstretched hands view those around them as a gift not a threat...

Those with outstretched hands live in the aroma of abundant wealth...perhaps with little money but with the prosperity of love and gratitude...

Over the course of the past several years marked by acute financial distress, I have had a couple of encounters with random people who seemingly appeared out of nowhere just when I had a little cash needed. They expressed a need for money. Stories could have been fabricated; could be part of a scam. My reaction was fury. I mean, here I was in need myself and as a mother my primary thoughts were on feeding my family. 
How dare you ask me for my little? Look around, there are other people who actually have, why on earth would you target me?
Clenched hands existence.
I always came back from those encounters angry, confused and guilty. 
What if they were angels sent to test me?
If they were, I failed. Miserably. An A+ in failure to give.

What amazes me is that what marked my character before this season was open hands. I love to give. It gives me great joy to give. 
Open hands with my surplus.
When that 'ability' to give, in terms of having extra, ended, something died inside me. As a mother, I aggressively protected resources to feed my family. There were no extras.
I started to live a clenched hand existence.
It's a horrible place to live. Fiercely protective of resources.

But, I don't want to live there anymore.
It is a prison of sorts.
I still don't have extra, but if someone does approach me again when I have money to buy groceries for my family, I am hoping my default response would be to give in faith.
Faith that this person is in actual need.
Faith that God will replace that which is given in sacrifice.

Sacrificial giving existence: bare open hands.
Freedom to give.
My desire is to live there for in there I find God and He fully satisfies any dearth in my life.

Over the past few weeks, I've had urgent concerns which some people knew about. Immediately I sensed the 'clenching' in cyberspace and I realized very few people know about giving when it hurts. They will most likely give if they have extra and if they deem you worthy.
Conditional giving. It's not the same.
But I would never have learnt that lesson if God had not placed me where I am right now.
All that He allows in my life is to chisel me into His image.
Yes, it is downright painful. 
At first.
Then you suddenly find the bars to your prison in one area of your life have been lifted.
Free to be what He meant you to be.

What I am learning about myself is that I am such a wretched sinner. I thought that growing in my faith as I grew in years would make me more saintly. Instead, I found that when trials poured in that I felt were 'too much', well, I became a person I did not like. In fact I have lost a couple of friends who loved the happy and giving person that I was and they always express to me that they miss that person.
That person is gone. Forever.
I remember years ago when God brought this verse to me:

Deuteronomy 8:2-3 (AMP)

2 And you shall [earnestly] remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.

3 And He humbled you and allowed you to hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you recognize and personally know that man does not live by bread only, but man lives by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.)

At that time, in pain I resolved to obey.
Fast forward many years, I forgot that lesson in my haze of depression as I stuffed my pain in and sought to live a coping-life existence and forgot all about the hope of a resurrection power life. That was for other people who deserved it. Funny how Satan will pummel you with lies that fit the circumstances that surround you.
Today I will choose to listen to His truth.
Today I choose to obey. Even when I think I can't.
My Bible reading today:

Psalm 42

1 As the hart pants and longs for the water brooks, so I pant and long for You, O God.

2 My inner self thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God?

3 My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, Where is your God?

5 Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, my Help and my God.

8 Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

11 Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God.

Today the person that I am still loves to give but will choose to give from her dearth. She will not be that happy-go-lucky person she once was for life has changed her. She is praying that His deep joy will well up inside and overflow gently and quietly.

And the song He brought to my lips today:

[Linking up with Faith Barista's JamWithMeThursdays for this week's writing prompt: "What I'm Learning About Myself."]

Love and Blessings to all who pop by.
Sita

Why Should He Love Me So?

This week I was prompted  to write a public post asking for prayer for an urgent concern.
I had done this before and to my utter deflation, barely anyone noticed, but I did anyway.
And you responded and I was so grateful for I needed people to help me hold up my arms which had become a tad weary.
This morning God answered in a huge way.
Huge because it was total grace. Gift without conditions or judgement. Pure mercy.
For days I have been praying, "Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy."

He heeded.

He usually brings a 'song' to my mind when He speaks and this is the song today:
(see here for hymn commentary) Why Should He Love Me So?:

WHY SHOULD HE LOVE ME SO? (Robert Harkness)

Love sent my Savior to die in my stead;
Why should He love me so?
Meekly to Calvary’s cross He was led;
Why should He love me so?

Nails pierced His hands and His feet for my sin;
Why should He love me so?
He suffered sore my salvation to win;
Why should He love me so?

O how He agonized there in my place;
Why should He love me so?
Nothing withholding my sin to efface;
Why should He love me so?

CHORUS
Why should He love me so?
Why should He love me so?
Why should my Savior to Calvary go?
Why should He love me so?

And to tell the truth, I'm concerned that I don't deserve this generosity.
And really, I don't.
But that is what grace is. Undeserved.
This gift did not come with a rod, it came with pure joy and encouragement and did not ask me for justification. No questions.
Mercy.

And this was my Bible reading today that spoke:

Mark 4:37-41

Amplified Bible (AMP)

37 And a furious storm of wind [of hurricane proportions] arose, and the waves kept beating into the boat, so that it was already becoming filled.

38 But He [Himself] was in the stern [of the boat], asleep on the [leather] cushion; and they awoke Him and said to Him, Master, do You not care that we are perishing?

39 And He arose and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, Hush now! Be still (muzzled)! And the wind ceased (sank to rest as if exhausted by its beating) and there was [immediately] a great calm (a perfect peacefulness).

40 He said to them, Why are you so timid and fearful? How is it that you have no faith (no firmly relying trust)?

41 And they were filled with great awe and feared exceedingly and said one to another, Who then is this, that even wind and sea obey Him?

Psalm 37:34

Amplified Bible (AMP)

34 Wait for and expect the Lord and keep and heed His way, and He will exalt you to inherit the land; [in the end] when the wicked are cut off, you shall see it.

Psalm 38:9-10

Amplified Bible (AMP)

9 Lord, all my desire is before You; and my sighing is not hidden from You.

10 My heart throbs, my strength fails me; as for the light of my eyes, it also is gone from me.

Psalm 38:15-16

Amplified Bible (AMP)

15 For in You, O Lord, do I hope; You will answer, O Lord my God.

16 For I pray, Let them not rejoice over me, who when my foot slips boast against me.

Psalm 38:21-22

Amplified Bible (AMP)

21 Forsake me not, O Lord; O my God, be not far from me.

22 Make haste to help me, O Lord, my Salvation.

Yesterday I received a note from someone that said:

"...I think it’s time for you to have some real in-the-skin encouragement. To really hear someone’s say they hear you. To have a pair of eyes look across the table and listen. And to give you a hug. Take care of your heart — go see the ocean or walk through some beautiful trees...."

Little did she know how true that was. I have never felt so unlovable in real life. Much of my interaction is in cyber space. And God did use a cyber-friend to touch me palpably. I felt her look into my eyes and love me unconditionally and I knew it had to be Jesus. Why else?

So thank you for being the palpable touch of God to me. 

Now to God be the glory, honour, and praise forever and ever. Amen.

Looking Back and Forward: Finding My Voice

Deuteronomy 8:2-3

Amplified Bible (AMP)

2 And you shall [earnestly] remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.

3 And He humbled you and allowed you to hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you recognize and personally know that man does not live by bread only, but man lives by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.)

I smile through my pain as I ponder my 'voice' for Faith Barista's JamWithMeThursdays writing prompt.
Yesterday circumstances again triggered what I can only call a tsunami of pain.
And like so many people cry, "I just want it to stop".

I remember an old post from 2008 when this kind of pain overwhelmed me: (reposting)

“Cause Me To Come To Thy River…”
I could not fathom it. The anchor I had tied my life on had been rudely dislodged and I was adrift in a sea of pain that consumed me. 
My fiancé had just broken off our engagement 2 months away from the scheduled wedding. This in itself was not the primary issue. 
It was because I was a new immigrant and my fiancé had made this new terrifying country somewhat manageable, somewhat like how it used to be at home. He was also the recipient of my gift of compassion which I poured liberally as he had lost both kidneys and had ongoing health issues.
Then he said, “You are nothing to me, you never were…I just needed companionship”. He did not need it anymore. So here I was, lost, and discounted, devalued to nothing.

Then in my fog of pain, I looked to God, “For You to allow this to happen, there must be a reason…Teach me, my Lord.” Then suddenly I remembered having sung this song:

Cause me to come to Thy river, O Lord
Cause me to come to Thy river, O Lord
Cause me to come to Thy river, O Lord
Cause me to come
Cause me to drink
Cause me to live

Cause me to drink from Thy river, O Lord
Cause me to drink from Thy river, O Lord
Cause me to drink from Thy river, O Lord
Cause me to come
Cause me to drink
Cause me to live

Cause me to live by Thy river, O Lord
Cause me to live by Thy river, O Lord
Cause me to live by Thy river, O Lord
Cause me to come
Cause me to drink
Cause me to live
(© 1974 Maranatha! Music)

This song had become reality this day. I had been singing it without realizing what it meant. 

So, “Cause me..”, He did. 

And I was never more needy to drink and live. In the next couple of months, He continued to show me that my words were important and that He is a holy God who would not allow me to use His Name or words flippantly. I had to say what I meant and mean what I say.

He had me look at my newly adopted country and its people through His eyes. I had been viewing myself as a victim of discrimination and using this to justify my coldness towards white Canadians. 
He gently pointed out, “Who do you think you are? Do you really think that I have favorites? That you are better to me because you feel victimized?” 
Then it struck me, most of the people I saw as ‘racist’ were simply ignorant or afraid of new people, people outside of their comfort zone. 
And their sin was no greater than mine. 
Here I was professing to be His child, going to Bible college to prepare for ministry, with a heart cold towards a sector of the family of God. There followed a time of repentance and forgiveness and wonderful reconciliation. My heart became so tender as I grew in intimacy with my Lord. 
It was a time that sealed forever my faith, because whenever there are times when God feels absent, I KNOW He is present, I KNOW He loves me.

Since then, I pay attention to my words, His Words, words about Him, words to Him, for I know that He is holy, and that I will be held accountable. So take heed, think about what you say or sing. He is listening, and He may just take you at your word.



Now that I look back, it was a time when I would listen to other people share their pain and I would go and pore over Scripture to bring some sense of His hand in it. It felt like 'working out my salvation' (Philippians 2:12 [ Do Everything Without Grumbling ] Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,) and this type of writing flowed from my heart of pain.

But for a while, my mind became so foggy, I couldn't find my 'voice' anywhere and I thought it was gone forever.
But then I read Faith Barista's blog for the first time and hope started to break through.
This new year started with a commitment to be fruitful in the land of my affliction.
Soon after my world started to unravel in the financial realm and I am throwing up pain everywhere.
And I have to fight to use that voice.
Like right now.

And so, I wonder, is this my voice in the land of affliction? Continuing to filter my 'life' through His Word? 
Filtering others' lives through His Word?

From all that I have been reading, the raw material for your 'voice' is what has impacted you in such a way as to change you fundamentally.
As I look over my blog, I see those traumas, a heart broken by rejection, betrayal, racism, paternalism in missions, financial hardship, depression and by my own failures.
I also see that I love to do in-depth research to get a comprehensive understanding of what is flowing out of me. Perhaps that is why I like to quote from The Amplified Bible so much.

I'm not quite sure my voice can be defined right now. God is still working it out with me.
But right now, I want it to be the 'voice of truth' that nudges people to God and dispels the lies.
May God bless all who visit here today.
All my love,
Sita

Listen to The Voice of Truth by Casting Crown here:

Linking up with Bonnie at Faith Barista's JamWithMeThursdays:

My last born is 16 years old!

Happy 16^th Birthday, Daniel!

February 17, 2014

DARE TO BE A DANIEL

DARE TO STAND ALONE!

DARE TO HAVE A PURPOSE FIRM!

DARE TO MAKE IT KNOWN.

Psalm 119:9-16

English Standard Version (ESV)

How can a young man keep his way pure?

    By guarding it according to your word.

With my whole heart I seek you;

    let me not wander from your commandments!

I have stored up your word in my heart,

    that I might not sin against you.

Blessed are you, O Lord;

    teach me your statutes!

With my lips I declare

    all the rules of your mouth.

In the way of your testimonies I delight

    as much as in all riches.

I will meditate on your precepts

    and fix my eyes on your ways.

I will delight in your statutes;

    I will not forget your word.

Daniel, wow! My last born is 16 years old.

Old enough to get G1 driver’s learner's permit.

*cringe*

Watching you and your brother grow has to be one of the best gifts God has given to me.

You’re now almost as tall as your Dad and almost as loud as your brother!

You’ve shown a strength of resolve in what you want to do.

You have a keen sense of right and wrong and would vociferously defend yourself.

I can definitely see apologetics in your future as you defend your faith in a culture that devalues it.

Your drumming skills have grown tremendously.

You learned to play the acoustic guitar on your own with that extraordinary focus you have when you have a passion for something, like your video editing and producing.

You’ve developed strong bonds of friendships in school and go willingly to the youth group, not just for play, but because you have a genuine hunger for truth.

This past year you wowed me by memorizing the entire book of James, and you did it so easily too.

You are no longer ‘Mom’s’ boy.

You are growing to be God’s man and I love that, even though I will always miss my ‘baby’.

One thing we still have and I thank you for that, is that you still make eye contact with me and smile and wave whenever I drop you off to school.

Such a simple act. Such meaning for me. Thank you.

At the beginning of the year, God gave me Psalm 1 to pray for you and here it is:

Psalm 1

Amplified Bible (AMP)

1 Blessed (happy, fortunate, prosperous, and enviable) is the man who walks and lives not in the counsel of the ungodly [following their advice, their plans and purposes], nor stands [submissive and inactive] in the path where sinners walk, nor sits down [to relax and rest] where the scornful [and the mockers] gather.

2 But his delight and desire are in the law of the Lord, and on His law (the precepts, the instructions, the teachings of God) he habitually meditates (ponders and studies) by day and by night.

3 And he shall be like a tree firmly planted [and tended] by the streams of water, ready to bring forth its fruit in its season; its leaf also shall not fade or wither; and everything he does shall prosper [and come to maturity].

4 Not so the wicked [those disobedient and living without God are not so]. But they are like the chaff [worthless, dead, without substance] which the wind drives away.

5 Therefore the wicked [those disobedient and living without God] shall not stand [justified] in the judgment, nor [b]sinners in the congregation of the righteous [those who are upright and in right standing with God].

6 For the Lord knows and is fully acquainted with the way of the righteous, but the way of the ungodly [those living outside God’s will] shall perish (end in ruin and come to nought).

Prayer:

Father, may you give Daniel a deep hunger for truth as found in your Word, and may he hide Your Word in his heart so that he might not sin against you.

May you grant him the wisdom and discernment to combat the lies thrown at him by Satan in this culture by using the Word he has hid in his heart, just as Christ did in the wilderness.

May he be like a tree with firm foundations that is fruitful with Your glory and may he prosper.

May you give him an uncompromising stand for truth in all areas of his life.

May you give him a heart of gratitude.

May you give him a tenderness towards those in need.

May he see and love others through your eyes.

May he never hold unforgiveness in his heart.

Give him a hunger for Your Presence in prayer, Lord.

May he realize the need for silence and solitude to hear from You.

May You give him friendships laced with godly counsel and may he not fall into the counsel of the ungodly.

Would you protect him from the kind of heartbreak that crushes his spirit, Lord.

Holy Spirit, fall on Him with power and anoint him for Your purposes. In Jesus’ Name, I pray, Amen.

With Love, thoughts and prayers always,

Mom.