A Journey in Love.

(**warning: this is a lengthy post.)
Today's writing prompt from Faith Barista's JamWithMeThursdays is in one word: LOVE.

I hear and read that word daily. It is used in relation to food, a fashion outfit, a pet, a friend, a loved one. Yes, it is a word that seemingly encompasses much in our daily lives, even as much as its counterpart, hate.
An online definition (Merriam-Webster dictionary) says that love is:

: a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person

: attraction that includes sexual desire : the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship

: a person you love in a romantic way

and most of us can identify with that definition in our everyday lives in this western culture.

But what about when St. John says clearly and succinctly: 

1 John 4:8

Amplified Bible (AMP)

8 He who does not love has not become acquainted with God [does not and never did know Him], for God is love.

How do you identify with that?
I mean, if you have grown up in the church, you hear this statement all the time along with that Sunday School song Jesus Loves Me.
For me as a child, I grasped this love as parallel to the love I received from my earthly father.
His love was both generous and protective.
That's how I knew I was loved.
That's how I grasped God's love.
As for Jesus, He was punished for my sins, willingly.
That kind of love I had to accept in faith.

~~~~~~~~~~

Well, fast forward many years to my early twenties:
I was sent to Canada to study. My father was not around.
I had no one around to be my protector and and to be generous. I had a meagre allowance from my parents (rate exchange was high and my parents did not quite know the cost of living) and well, no one was interested in protecting me. Just the opposite.
For the first time, I found myself barely eating.
For the first time, I found people hostile to me. I was even called names like "Paki".
I was caught outside in a blizzard, improperly clothed. 
I felt abandoned and thought, if only my "Daddy" were here, I would not be exposed to the raw elements, so to speak, weather wise and human wise.
My theology started changing.
My understanding of God and how He loves started changing.
God does not always protect and provide the way I think He should.
Funny thing is, I didn't turn away as much as I clung to Him as my only Friend in a hostile world.
It was then as an international student that "Through It All" became my life song:



I've had many tears and sorrows,
I've had questions for tomorrow,
there's been times I didn't know right from wrong.
But in every situation,
God gave me blessed consolation,
that my trials come to only make me strong.

Chorus
Through it all,
through it all,
I've learned to trust in Jesus,
I've learned to trust in God.

Through it all,
through it all,
I've learned to depend upon His Word.

Verse 2
I've been to lots of places,
I've seen a lot of faces,
there's been times I felt so all alone.
But in my lonely hours,
yes, those precious lonely hours,
Jesus lets me know that I was His own

Chorus

Verse 3
I thank God for the mountains,
and I thank Him for the valleys,
I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.
For if I'd never had a problem,
I wouldn't know God could solve them,
I'd never know what faith in God could do

~~~~~~~~~~

Fast forward several more years to my mid to late twenties, I had my first traumatic heart break. It was then that I literally fell in love with God in the personhood of Jesus as I studied the Beatitudes in Matthew. (You can read more about that here.)
I was discovering that intimacy with God is the only 'love' that satisfies, and that it must be constantly pursued to be grasped:

The journey begins…

As I come to meet You every day,

I want to sit and look straight into Your eyes…

As I would ...

With someone that I wish to know

As I would...

With someone I am attracted to,

As I would...

With someone from whom I can learn.

I want to travel into those fathomless depths

That your eyes mirror...

Like waters, deep and mysterious,

Strong, calm, and peaceful

with undercurrents so powerful,

yet so controlled.

I have heard that in You

"are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge" [2]

This I seek to unravel...

to discover...to unlock...

For I have heard that You willingly share

With those who would only take the time to listen.

"This is what the Lord says...

Call to Me

and I will answer you and tell you

Great and unsearchable things you do not know...” [3]

You have drawn a clear treasure map...

But I see the enemy lurking like a lion,

Seeking whom he may devour.

Momentarily distracted,

I focus on obstacles the enemy set.

Larger and larger they loom

As my heart sinks in despair.

In desperation I cry out Your Name,

Help me to turn and

Keep my eyes on You,

So that "the things of this earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of Your glory and grace." [4]

As our stares lock into each other,

I feel my mind and spirit

Becoming in tune with Yours...

What an enriching emotion!

I realize that my insight and understanding of

Your words to me are growing, deepening...

How it illumines a dull and dark mind!

How it refreshes a dry and thirsty soul!

Oh, what a marvelous relationship

This is turning out to be.

You are Friend and Teacher.

But…There is something else….

Your eyes!

They seem to be piercing right through me...

Right through my heart...my soul...

The deepest and darkest corners

Covered in cobwebs and "filthy rags".

I am being exposed.

Shame and horror fill me

As You root out and expose the true intent,

The unholy and stained heart.

I look away.

Is there any place that I can hide?

You are the Holy God, the Righteous Judge.

Suddenly, Your Presence overwhelms me.

Bowed in shame, I mutter...then cry out!

"Cleanse my heart, O God!"

"Hide your face from my sins and blot out my iniquity"

Time goes by so slowly

As the painful, humbling process of purification goes on...

My heart grows oh so tender

And my unworthiness before you grows.

Suddenly, the atmosphere changes,

I feel compelled to look up

As Your warmth envelops me.

I look up and straight into Your eyes,

Now brimming over with mercy,

Compassion, love and sweet forgiveness.

Oh, thank You!

My heart overflows with gratitude and praise...

You are my Savior.

I do believe that I am falling in love.

Oh, to become worthy of Your love,

A fitting bride I want to be!

You are my Bridegroom!

What is that?

"While you were yet a sinner,

I loved you…I died for you...

Nothing you do or say could add or subtract from

My perfect love for you."

Do you know what?

Tomorrow, I look forward to meeting You again.

There is so much to learn,

So much to be transformed

by the renewing of the mind.

How I long to gaze upon your Beauty,

Yet once again.

Thank you, Jesus.

The time has been precious.

Lovingly Yours,

Sita

~~~~~~~~~~

Several years later in my forties, a couple of traumatic situations occurred within months of each other, giving me no time to breathe, far less filter through God's Word in silence and meditation as I had been learning to do. (You can read more about that here.)
It was the first time I felt I was in a fog, a wilderness where the heavens were shut tight, and I could not 'see' God:

"...I knew the facts of God’s love and grace. Yet, this onslaught left me doubting my value to Him. I could not find the God I had known anywhere. I was afraid to ‘hear’ His Voice; after all, I had been wrong before. Reading the Bible brought no comfort or feeling back to my soul, so I stopped. It seemed meaningless. I continued to pray in a rote manner, but concentrated on prayers for my children. The message I was receiving was clear to me:
”You’ve missed the mark; you’re not worth God’s time or attention.”Satan’s plan seemed to be working. I had not had time to properly grieve over my losses using God’s Word as a filter, so my pain became buried and revealed itself in my cyclical depression.

So, as I sat down on the grainy sand on the lake shore that morning, I cried out for hope and then just stared at the lake and listened.

The calm, mysterious waters reminded me of my Creator,

as my soul rapidly quieted to listen.

All of my senses slowly heightened,

and I could smell the aroma of wet earth.

I could hear the soft swishing of water at my feet;

I could feel the soft morning breeze as it curled my hair about my face.

It seemed that I automatically stood up

and raised my hands in unison with all of creation in worship.

I closed my eyes as sudden warmth enveloped me,

the warmth of a love I had not realized before.

It lay before me, in the wonder of the creation that surrounded me,

the love that it had taken to create such grandeur.

Slowly the concepts of His absolute sovereignty and love

began to seep deeply into my soul.

This same God, who so lovingly formed

and left the stamp of His Presence in this grandeur around me,

formed me, loves me and never leaves me,

no matter what..."

It was a time when depression started to wrap its tentacles around me, robbing me of joy and laughter.
But it was a time to understand that God's love had nothing to do with my trials or adverse circumstances whether they stopped or not.
His love was a fact that never changed.
It is my one constant.
It never leaves.

~~~~~~~~~~

And now we come to the present.
Last week, I was hurting so much that all I could do was ask for prayer. A brutal winter and other circumstances triggered old pain that needed to erupt and flow out of me.
I certainly did not feel like God loved me at all.
The old feelings of abandonment crept in along with the feelings that I was not worth His time or attention.

Yet, Who did I turn to?
Well, I had just read that worship can neutralize any spiritual warfare and I googled my 'emotions' on YouTube which led me to 2 songs, Blessing by Laura Story and Praise You in the Storm by Casting Crown:


I sang and worshipped and cried.
By the time it was done, I was so tender and so saturated in His love. It is such a mystery that the last person you want to go to is the One person Who could have prevented your pain, yet you go, and when you do, something mystical happens that defies all earthly explanations.
A holy love falls on you and you worship with all your heart.

Love.
God is love.
It is a lifetime journey of grasping this as God gently removes my presumptions.
It is a holy mystical love that satisfies.
No one has penned it better than Frederick M. Lehman, although that key 3rd verse "was written nearly one thousand years ago by a Jewish songwriter, and put on the score page by F.M. Lehman, a Gentile songwriter, in 1917."
The Love of God
The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell
It goes beyond the highest star
And reaches to the lowest hell

The guilty pair, bowed down with care
God gave His Son to win
His erring child He reconciled
And pardoned from his sin

Could we with ink the ocean fill
And were the skies of parchment made
Were every stalk on earth a quill
And every man a scribe by trade

To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry
Nor could the scroll contain the whole
Though stretched from sky to sky

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints' and angels' song


May I spend the rest of my life attesting to His love in my life.
I love You, Lord.
Thank You for loving me so perfectly.

Sita

(Linking up with Faith Barista:)