From perfectionist to artist...

Recently I read a post by Lysa that spoke out how our circumstances can affect our identity. I immediately looked for an article I had written a while back which was a God-stop for me. (See below).
I have since then realized that while I may have had perfectionist tendencies, I am truly an artist at heart. I undertake each task as a work of art that requires my heart, that includes the role of being a mother, wife, homemaker etc. In these roles, there have been no complete manuals, and I have made so many spills and scratches on my artwork. But, I've since discovered that there is a unique life manual that requires interaction with its Author to be effective. Yes, along with the Bible, I now have the Master Artist working along side me. He waits, [for He is the consummate Gentleman] to be asked for His aid. So, when I mess up, I only have to look into His eyes, and mouth, "Help!"

Oh, you should see the marvellous touch-ups He has accomplished. The flaws suddenly become His touch, shining and bringing beauty where there should have been ugly scratches and blotches. Yes, He looks at you and me, and still pronounces, "It is good!"

A Perfectionist’s Quest
"And God saw all that He had made, and it was very good."
Genesis 1:31 (NIV)

I am one of those people who actually enjoys reading manuals or instruction booklets so I can know how to do something properly the first time. 

Yes, I am a perfectionist, and perfectly happy to be one, at least until now. 

I did two things in the last half of my life that has left this perfectionist floundering in a pool of endless ‘boo-boos’. 

I emigrated to a foreign country where I became a ‘visible minority’ member, and then I became a mother of young kids! 

No manual in existence could have prepared me for these experiences. 

Where formerly I was in control, totally prepared and almost flawless in performance, I now found myself in this alien culture of constant flaws, snubs and rejection, unpredictability, fatigue, unfinished projects, emotional roller coasters and uncontrolled outbursts. 

Even after living half of my life in my new country, I still avoid many situations where I’m uncertain of the accepted mode of behavior, robbing myself of that ‘fullness of life’ I could otherwise experience.

Then there is that myriad of unfinished projects - the whole house never completely cleaned in one sitting (by the time you get to the second room, the first one is back to the preschoolerized condition!) - interruptions galore; consistency and predictability thrown out of my vocabulary of life, and no sense of accomplishment for a job completed with 100% attention. 

Faced with my shortcomings ever before me, my sense of personal value took a rapid nosedive over several years. As a perfectionist, I longed to see that ‘perfect’ footprint left where I had just trod. 

Even with the encouragement and affirmation from friends and family, I knew I was not measuring up. 

Amazingly, God decided to minister to me in my most perfectly flawed state.

Do you remember when Eric Liddell said in the film "Chariots of Fire", "When I run, I feel His pleasure?" 

That was what these past few years have been for me, a quest to feel His pleasure, only I thought that it was a cry for personal value. 

It seems that what I had thought to be my greatest strengths suddenly developed enormous holes. 

As a perfectionist, all I was left with, was that pervading sense of imperfection, and the realization that I had placed my core value on specific attributes. 

Of what value was I? 

This was my cry to God. 

The head knowledge about who I was in Christ had never penetrated my core being.

Recently, God graciously brought back a very special moment that I had with Him a couple of years ago. 

Early one morning, standing on the beach of a lake facing a rocky mountain, I cried out to God to feel His presence once more. 

The calm, mysterious waters reminded me of my Creator, as my soul rapidly quieted to listen. 

All of my senses slowly heightened, and I could smell the aroma of wet earth, I could hear the soft swishing of the water at my feet, I could feel the soft morning breeze as it curled my hair about my face. 

I automatically raised my hands in unison with all of creation in worship. 

I closed my eyes as sudden warmth enveloped me, the warmth of a love I had not realized before. 

It lay before me, in the wonder and beauty of the creation that surrounded me, the love that it had taken to create such grandeur. 

I realized that He was telling me that I was part of that creation that He so lovingly formed when He pronounced, "It is good!" 

The nature surrounding me knew His pleasure in its polluted state. I knew His pleasure even in my flawed state! 

Have you ever felt God smile at you? Take my word for it, there’s no greater feeling!

Suddenly, an eternal value was indelibly placed, never again to be erased. 

The Father thought that I was worth it, before I was formed, and proved it with His own blood. 

There is no more striving to be done, although the renewing of my old thought patterns will probably be a life-long process thwarted at every turn by the father of lies.

However, the perfectionist’s quest ends.

Sita Henderson ©2001