What led up to...

As I reflect on what led up to that profound worship experience (see Sept.2/07), I know that while it is the accumulation of all my life experiences to date, it is the immediate culmination of the past two years. Two years of deep inner turmoil and pain that began with a decision filled with hope and trepidation. A decision that required me to say "That's enough!" No more listening to the voices that were telling me where I belonged, where I should stay. Like the prodigal son, I had been cowering in a pigpen, disconnected from my heart, trying to please the voices that required me to fulfil a role they thought appropriate for me. Till God said ever so gently, "Are you ready to listen to My Voice now?"
"Yes, Lord, I want to so much."
"Then, take My Hand. Arise, come out, My Beloved."
And so I arose, slowly. It was painful to stand up. I had cowered for so long, my limbs hurt incredibly. The voices disapproved and I winced at the hostility. "Stay in your place!"
But I had listened to my Shepherd's Voice. My place was with Him. And so I stepped out.

I had been warned that immediately after I stepped out, I would be plunged into the darkness. I never know how dark it would get. Like Peter, I stepped on to the dark, deep waters and the waves started. I remembered that I needed to keep my eyes on the Father and I did, most of the time. Then the vision changed and I saw the rivers of Jordan piling up all around . I so wanted to keep my eyes on the Father and run through the path cleared for me. But I had to turn around. Voices calling for help, eyes full of anxiety. The walls of water were building up. My hands were needed to build a rampart. Guilt and that imprisoning sense of obligation forced me to go back, and I took my eyes off Him. I became involved in trying to keep the walls from falling down, and the pain intensified in me every time a new voice that sounded so worldly practical assailed me. More guilt. How dare I seemingly neglect my obligations?
In the darkness, I cried for Him. The inner pain was incredible.

"Father, I need You." I ran on to His lap. And so I rested there. I knew in a new way that I loved my Father. He loved me.
And so, I was impelled to say again, "Enough!" "I must be about my Father's will."
Again, I looked towards heaven and the path miraculously began to open up, a little at a time.
On Sun.Sept.2/07, I experienced the warm light of His lovingkindness.
May you look toward the heavens too. May you know His lovingkindness toward you.

Father, thank You for Your lap. Thank You that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Thank You that the days ordained for me were written in Your Book before one of them came to be. Search my heart, O God, see if there is any offensive way in me. Lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139). I desire to do Your will. Only You can satisfy.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.